My diary

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“Merry” Christmas

During this rather sleepless night I realized something. Since I was 13 almost every night was a nightmarish experience for me. I mean, I have slept all those nights, but how? I’ve developed a really light kind of sleep: a tissue falls off the table and it wakes me up. Basically anything will. I wake up in the middle of the night, and… listen… listen to the noises behind the wall. Someone opens a cupboard, takes sth out, I try to figure out what was grabbed…. Someone walks from one room to another I think WHY… If it’s not TV noise, I will try to recognize words that are muttered… I had a break of about 4 years when I did not have to scrutinize every whisper, between 2001 and late 2004. But then it came back, and the only difference was WHOSE muttered words I had to scrutinize.

In 2001 I ran away from daily/nightly terrors of my father who on occasions took a knife on my mom, was starting fights in the middle of the night: hence the drawers opening and angry mutters I was listening for when I was a teen and young adult. For 16 years I lived in hell.

And in 2004, I started listening for same things, but coming from someone else.  This time I am the direct victim, I’m my mom. I lock my and my daughter’s bedroom every night, it is more or less safe during working week if HE has a job. But then weekends come, and the most dreaded holidays at the end of the year: that’s 2 whole weeks of blackmail, terror and pain of seeing my daughter suffer emotionally.  At least I care what she goes through, she knows I do too… my mom never let me know if she even thought about me.

I hope I’ll live to see Christmas 2010. And I hope it’ll be OUR first Christmas of freedom.

Thursday

Well, it’s been one of those days… A day that goes on and has not much sense and the end of it is usually miserable.

I got up, sent the kid to school, downloaded some of my current “oldies” series and took a short nap with the kitten. She developed that idea when I go to lie down, she comes on and lies down right next to me and sleeps. It’s actually nice because she sometimes keeps on sleeping even if I get up after a while. And surprise, she does not even need any piece of clothing, just my blanket

Anyway. I took care of finding the tree ornaments in the garage and brought them to the patio. When Isa came home we put up some, maybe slightly more than half, but it got too cold for me so we called it quits for the evening. More tomorrow.

Of course, I STILL did not make that one phone call…. that email… and that materials search. But I did fill out the application paper for after school care and visited notary public, so all I need now is a pediatrician’s signature and I hope to do that tomorrow. THAT part (application, notary public) took a lot of time, I don’t understand why simple after school care needs 10+ pages to fill in. I had less paper work when I was signing Isa up to school

We had a little scuffle… I mean Isa and myself. I refused watching ABC Family movies night (I can’t watch Jack Frost. I swear. Saw it while flying over the ocean to Poland. Don’t want it anymore) so she got a little upset. Eventually she came back and we watched a little Will & Grace. She showed me her story she wrote in school and I got somewhat scared. The story is about an “adult girl” who smashed fairies and felt so sorry she decided to help them. So she… found some brains and bones to fix the fairies. Uhm. And teh fairies came back to life, of course.

*shudders*

where did I go wrong?

And most of the day on forum was Martin talk. How much more unpleasant can it get? I felt nauseous. I had no plans to but I think some girls were just asking for it. So I got mean. It is the truth, but mean to them, whatever. I am not turning Dave Gahan forum into Depeche Mode forum. Even though everyone that could post something, and help, do that either rarely or at all while posting away on Facebook. I’m getting used to the thought I get called like a dog, a bitch, to do teh dirty job while everyone else have their fun life.

That’s more or less it. The other day I wrote a little bit of my coffee thingy, not much, just a few sentences… For some reason I can’t get into the mood. It’s either the day and those places I got to go to, calls to make, emails to write that I don’t want to so much, or it’s the night time when I am tired and have no stimulation at all.  I guess I miss those days when some I called friends lied to me every other sentence making me happy. Discovering the truth was painful but now when the pain is gone the shroud hangs over my head and prevents me from feeling better.

Their lies were something I needed to function as  a whole. Perhaps.

Taken

I finally watched that movie. God, I loved it…Great action movie, I thought they don’t make these like that anymore.

Liam used to be a great actor, and heck, he still is to my happiness. Oh so real like I haven’t seen for quite a while. Shame he doesn’t act as much as he used to.

Oh… one more thing. If you know my little pet peeve… you know why it thrilled me a tiny bit extra

Hmm.

Thank you, Master.

May I have some more?

So f***ing true! Every word

http://advice.sarcasmsociety.com/love-and-relationships/my-husband-says-i-work-too-much.html

Control-Alt-Del

Or just Control.

I’m so tired of being in control. Every single day, every minute. *I* make decision what’s for breakfast. *I* make the decision what the kid will wear. It’s my job to decide on what’s for dinner for every single person in the household. My decision where to go, who to call, what HW do now, when the kid goes sleep, what she plays all evening (basically). My decision whether I will leave the bastard and my decision when.

Of course, my “hobbies” – all my decision.  Even though I trusted people to help me here and there yet still it is me making decision and performing whatever it takes to keep it all running.

I learned to be in full control, in some sense I assume authority even when I’m not asked to. Why? Maybe that’s all I think I know how to do. Maybe because as a youngest child I was capable of demanding things to be done and they were. Life has put me in this controlling position and it’s become my second nature. As the time passes by though I am getting increasingly tired of constantly growing number of things I have to control.  I’m not sure if I can’t let go, don’t want to – or both.

Any fairies out there?

Other entities?

Anyone…

“You want to abandon yourself, completely and thoroughly. You do not want to have to think. You want to let someone else make the decisions, let him handle all your concerns(…)”

Can someone please call me to bed demanding my presence. For this one night I really want to relinquish the control and have someone else who would call the kid to go to bed.

I’ll have to punish you for that

Thank you, Sir.

Conversations on Facebook example

A: blah blah bla bla LOL

B: Heh heh heh blah blah blah lol

A: blah bla! lolol

B: lol!

 

Very enriching.

uffffffffff

Stop it, man, before I hurt myself.

Martin’s one and only truth

I’m not trying to tell you anything
You didn’t know
When you woke up today

Oh well, for once he said it right, to the point, on topic, and whole truth.

The man bores me, lyrically. Uff.

I did have a startling discovery though. I was listening to Strangelove and I am pretty sure they used Dave’s gasp as a percussion type of instrument